Taking things slowly

I started a really long rambling post without a clear topic, but it's not ready for public consumption yet (maybe not ever). Posting it wouldn't be productive, and I don't even think typing it out at warp speed was cathartic. This post was my reaction to writing that ramble-post for no reason. Recent events and what I've been reading have made me do a lot of thinking and arguing with myself and debating some new ideas in the last week or so. I've realized that this is going to be a summer of transition for me in a lot of ways, and that means time to process is even more important than it usually is.

Transitions are hard. They're hard for students (half of Pinterest seems to be transition procedures for the classroom), and they're hard for adults. I can handle going from reading to going outside a little easier than your average elementary school student (most of the time), but big changes are still challenging. Change means facing something new, something unknown and maybe uncomfortable. Doing things the same way isn't hard, humans build habits and can auto-pilot a lot of tasks. I don't have to think about walking across a room to do it, but crab crawling across the room would take a lot more planning and thinking (and arm strength!). It isn't comfortable because it isn't a routine.

And routines are good, to a point. I'm not advocating for classroom or personal life chaos even a little bit. Routine is what lets the magic happen. You can't play a difficult piece of music without having a routine for how your hold the instrument, and a routine for how you start the first sound. But the routine should a starting point. More launch pad than jail cell. Sure, I always go through getting ready in the same order each morning, but that's just to get out the door to more exciting things. Doing the same thing the same exact way every day would eventually become boring and stifling. Nothing new happens when things are fully routine. But a lot of my routines are being upended in the next few months for different reasons. It's necessary. Yet it's scary. I know it's going to take time for me to be okay with all the changes and routine interruptions that are about to happen. I need to process what's coming to prepare as best I can.

It feels impossible to take time to process for me right now. My teacher brain gets trained during the school year to be always on, always anticipating what could happen, imagining possibilities and responses each of them. I'm use to running, running, running, and then making lists of things to run to do later. Summer is a much different pace for me, but I know I still tend towards snap decision making and overreactions because of the habits I've built.

It's actually really hard to do things slowly. To think over something for longer than is comfortable. To play a scale accurately at 50 beats per minute. To reflect on what has been without looking towards what will be. Many times this year I would beg students to go slowly, to take their time, to think deeper, but I don't think I good about actually doing this myself.

So I will be aiming to take things slow... when I can and when it feels right. Changes take time to sink in, and I need to give thoughts and feelings some time to percolate before throwing them all over or reacting.

Here are my "slow goals" for now:

1. Be patient with myself in coping with change.
2. Do at least 5 minutes of focused instrument practice at half or 3/4 speed at least 4 times per week.
3. Re-read something short that I need to think more about at least three times a week, and take time to think or write about the topic immediate after reading.
4. Do PT exercises slowly but smoothly at a dedicated time rather than when rushing to take care of something else
5. Spend less time on email and more time enjoying summer
6. Break down grad school assignments into less overwhelming chunks.
7. Have at least three slow, meaningful offline conversations per week

Our society, and teaching especially, tends to encourage speed over depth, urgency over importance. I'm trying to break that cycle for the sake of my physical and mental health. Rushing through everything might temporarily avoid anxiety and feel "productive", but it's not healthy or sustainable for me. I'm trying to do better.